Author Archive
Leadership and “Hostilization”
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I recently agreed to appear in a court case concerning a “hostile work environment”. I went because I think there is too much noise without proof in these fast sound bite days. Anyone running a business knows that employees often make claims that are unjust, unreal, and unfair. Often, however, it is simply easier to leave the situation alone rather than take the time and money to fight it.
In this case, the amount of money in the claim was negligible, and my client thought it through and said to me “You know, Sylvia, how you teach that those who remain silent are guilty too; well I decided that healthy changes in the workplace also begin with me.”
So, off we went! The judge, or referee, as he is called was a pleasant man who must sit through dozens of these claims week after week after week. He was like a repeat of an old television program called Dragnet, where the detectives just wanted the facts, just the facts. He must have repeated that half a dozen times as the woman who wanted her money for being “hostilized” kept adding her emotional spin to everything.
Leadership and Speaking for Us
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Lately there is the beginning of a groundswell to stop women in leadership from speaking for all of us. About time!
Whether we truly agree or not, when Sarah Palin, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Ann Coulter, Whoopie Goldberg, Angelina Jolie, and the like state their perspectives, it is our responsibility to align with or dispute in our own words.
More women are in positions of power, albeit, there are way more to come in this decade. Our voices are required. We need to speak out and create the dialogue model that is inherent in our basic personalities. We know how to listen, then ask questions, to collaborate, the make sure all parties are heard and respected.
I dropped the ball several years ago when I was listening to Laura Schlesinger on the radio as I was driving from here to there. I got so annoyed I started to backtalk to the radio, no one else in the car, and the radio and Laura didn’t hear or care what I was saying.
In a nutshell: a caller was getting married and was having a tough time pleasing her mother who wanted less people, she wanted more, mother wanted yellow she wanted deep purple, mother wanted, she wanted.
Leadership and Change
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Home in Santa Fe
It was a planned change. Nothing like changes that occur when a hurricane blows your home away or a toxic dump makes it impossible to live a healthy life where you once had a home.
So, why bother writing about it? Maybe it is just my way of connecting my own life dots. Maybe it is to say that just because it is not a dramatic and life altering change it still has its bitter sweet moments. It is a way of getting everyone who reads this to think about the little changes in life and to stop and reflect.
I must admit, I was surprised at the emotions that came flooding through me as I began to pack up the small blue and gold image of kokopelli that sat on the fire place mantel, the boda crystal candle holders in the dining area, the Taos drum that sounded a bit flat and really needed some professional attention.
I kept looking out of the window that made the mountains seem as if they were there just for my personal admiration. I watched one of those amazing New Mexico sunsets, wanting to breathe it in and savor it the way I used to breathe deeply into the curls of my daughter when she was a baby and had been freshly bathed.
The One Flaw in Women
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This beautiful video, “The One Flaw in Women” says so much about us. Watch it more than once. Send it to a friend and to a daughter, niece or neighbor girl so they can also celebrate the essence of being female. One you can decide if you agree with the one flaw in women. Let me know what you think. The statement “they go without so their family can have” reminded me of a story my mother told about my grandmother: whenever company would come to their home my grandmother would call her five daughters into a private powwow and remind them not to ask for seconds. Just say you are full so our guests can have whatever they want. There was only so much to go around in those days and that model of feeding others first became a legacy that has come down through the generations. No, not Martyrdom, just good old fashioned caring!
Women, Leadership and Are We There Yet?
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Big question is “Where is there?” or even better “Where is here”? How do we know when change has really taken hold? How do we know when we, as women, have found what we want in terms of equality at work?
First, some thoughts about change and how it happens. In our culture we have become so addicted to instant everything that we expect change at the drop of a hat. It just ain’t so. Mostly, we as women know that.
Babies don’t form to be born in the blink of an eye. Not only does the process average nine months, it is replete with changes almost on a daily level. From morning sickness to stretch marks to “enough already” thoughts the process has its own internal clock to follow. So does planting corn or roses or lavender.
Why then do we think that major changes will happen over night? If we check off the small wins and keep a long view we will have less stress and more determination and maybe, just maybe we also need to check the direction of our destination.
Leadership and the Art of Asking
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How often do you ask for what you want? Better yet, do you get what you ask for? In our WELL Program (Women Executive Leadership Lessons) we have a module on the power and importance of asking for what you want. It usually brings up lots of memories of being a “good girl” as a kid, or of hearing parents say “it’s not polite to ask, just wait till you are given“.
Most women are hesitant, you can translate that to compliant; to be pleasers rather than truth tellers. In “Don’t Bring It to Work” more women than men claim the pleaser pattern, and for good reason.
It is a pattern handed from generation to generation, mother to daughter. In the past women learned that to speak out could mean abandonment; in some societies, even death. So, we learned to preserve relationships by being quiet and accepting what we were given.
Even the changes since Betty Freidan’s groundbreaking “The Feminine Mystique” have only taken us so far. There is still reticence in speaking out for what we want. Those of us who do speak out are seen as adversarial, nasty, angry individuals who are grabbers by nature.
Leadership Lessons in the Blink of an Eye
Posted by: | CommentsWhen you think of leaders who have made a difference who comes to mind?
In our Total Leadership Connections program we spend time discussing this and over the years several themes have emerged. Many are the same for all leadership programs around the world. Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Mohammed, Gandhi, Mandela, MLK, JFK, FDR are on most lists.
When it gets more personal folks mention a parent, sibling, teacher, business mentor. Last week I was in Manhattan and took the subway to speed my trip. Some noisy kids took me back to a story about my mother I would like to share; it’s leadership in action.
Rebecca, or Reba (she thought that was more modern) stood 5’1″ tall; a wisp of a woman with a feisty no nonsense manner. I was to pick her up from her suburban apartment and drive her to a doctor in center city Philadelphia. At 78 she had been in good health, except….. That was the reason for the appointment.
I had an emergency meeting and my mother decided to take the circuitous bus ride into town. That’s the back story. The leadership story is about to unfold.
Free To Be You and Me
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The 70’s was a time of vast changes. The movements were all coming together, civil rights, peace, women, all saying “there has to be a better way”.
Anyone out there remember the album for kids, actually for all of us that had songs like “free to be you and me”, “It’s alright to cry”, “parents are people”? What a break through time. Many of us in the work world have taken the philosophy from that time with us.
Respect, listening, and what we teach in our Total Leadership Connections program, that we are all connected and no one wins unless we all do are key elements of this time when we see the impact of one disaster, the oil spill, moving through our beautiful ocean to beaches as far away as Miami. We need these concepts now, more than ever before.
So, this week with the long week-end behind us start to look at the deeper meaning of what it means to be free, what it means to be an individual in a society that gives room for free speech, what are the components of leadership that we, as women, need to continue to bring into this time.
Leadership and Emotional Pollution
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Did you ever throw a paper cup on the ground and walk away? The women who read this blog would not think to do that. The cup would find a home in a trash can.
And, if you look down and there is a candy wrapper lying on the pavement, do you pick it up and throw it in a waste basket? Most likely you would take the moment to help clean up the area.
So, why do we walk past unpleasant situations, unpleasant people and just keep going? And, sadly, there are also times we add to the difficulties with our comments and critiques and more “junk” is left in the room.
It’s time to look emotional pollution in the eye and start a campaign against toxic patterned behavior spills.
Saying “no” to divisiveness, to gossip, to office politics is an important step to cleaning up this invisible environment that pollutes as much as leaving trash on the floor.
Think about it for a moment. When someone tells you a “juicy tidbit” about a colleague how do you respond? Do you simply say “uh huh” and walk on? Do you ask for details and add “I knew she couldn’t be trusted?” Do you go to another colleague and say “Wait till you here this?”
5 Lessons I’ve Learned about Leadership
Posted by: | CommentsThe economic waves have settled a bit and my company is getting ready to hire several new employees. As the resumes have rolled in, more than I can ever remember, I thought back to my very first professional job and the anticipation of the world that was unfolding before me.
When you started your career what was front and center on your work agenda? I was armed with a master’s degree in psychology and I was going to make the world a happier place.
There was no idea of owning a business, no idea of leading others, no idea of public speaking, and no idea of writing a book. I was focused on learning the ins and outs of being a therapist, working with the invisible forces that make us do what we do.
Interestingly, forty years later the core of my career is the same. I still love to dig down into the hidden world of behavior patterns and how they impact us at home and at work. I also am amazed that instead of a small office with just the right therapeutic setting of chairs, tables and a couch I run a 450 acre retreat center that can sleep 60 people, with an organic vegetable garden, labyrinth, pond large enough for a paddle boat and outdoor dining pavilion.
